AFRAID TO LOSE

There was her diary... Lying open on the table, last dated 21 January 2018. Before spotting the diary, I sucked in all my sorrows by blaming my destiny, but as I started reading her journal, each word made me submerge into regrets, regrets that can never be erased. My heart ached that night, a pain unknown to bodily senses. It felt like an eternal dusk. My life wasn't so gloomy few years back. Things were different, I was different.

I was aspiring to be a travel vlogger. Adventure and thrill was fuel to my engine of life. Travelling was something close to my heart, and it still is. Meeting people, eating different foods, witnessing diverse cultural festivals never failed to excite me. Me with my group of five friends decided to visit Himachal Pradesh. It wasn't my first time though. But it is a place full of natural beauty, one can never experience it all in a single visit. This time we decided to visit some unknown places in Himachal Pradesh which were distant from the cosmopolitan and hotel industry. So we did some research and came up with seven places that were a must visit for us. They are - Malana, Tirthan Valley, Chitkul, Pabbar Valley, Thanedar, Shoja, and Barot. Malana was the one I was really excited about because of its magnificent landscape. It was the third last place that we would be visiting. It was a tour of twenty-five days, including our train journey.

On 8 January 2017, we hoarded train at six in the evening. Train journeys are never boring, especially when travelling in a group. Even though we were enjoying our three-day train journey, the couple just beside us on the two-seater were really annoyed by us which I could tell by the look on their faces. But we couldn't care less.

11 January 2017, we reached Palampur station the previous night and today we were headed to Thanedar. It is a beautiful place, quite known for its traditional cuisine. We stayed in one of the cottages for the next three days. On 14th, we left for Tirthan Valley. Tirthan Valley is a small village between two majestic ranges. It is a good place for trekking and camping. Next on 16th, we reached Chitkul. In Chitkul we visited the National Park, which is the home to over 500 species of birds and mountain lions. It also has a cost friendly market. After a stay of two days, we headed to Pabbar Valley on 18th of the month. Pabbar Valley offers nature in its purest form. I felt like I was in heaven for the next three days. Then came the most awaited day.

21 January 2017, we reached Malana. It has breath-taking beauty, upholding the expectations. It seemed to be a perfect painting and a treat to the eyes. We were lucky enough to witness the Malana winter fair. It is nothing extravagant but filled with cultural ethnicity and rich traditions. I was enjoying my 'Tudkiya Bhath' a traditional food of Himachal Pradesh when I spotted this girl amidst the crowd.

She was wearing a satin red salwar and had long wavy hair. Her smile was charismatic indeed. She had dimples and I have a thing for them. Red bindi never looked more well-suited. She was standing just opposite to my stall, clicking pictures of the locals. I knew she didn't belong to Himachal Pradesh.

Something within me was constantly pushing me to initiate a conversation, so I gathered all the courage within me and walked up to her.

"Hey! Are you a travel vlogger?" I asked, trying to act casual.

"Umm... No, not really. I'm a fashion designer and I like documenting traditional dresses and textiles, it's part of my job."  She replied with a smile.

It took me few seconds to realise what she said as I was busy concentrating on her voice and her smile.

"What's your name?" She asked,

"I'm Aman. (With a broad smile) What's yours?" I replied, coming back to reality in an instant.

"I'm Deepika." Extends her hand to shake mine.

"So, where are you from Deepika?" I enquired while shaking hands, hoping to get Mumbai as an answer.

"I stay in Lonavala but most of my work is in Mumbai so I often travel to Mumbai. I have a family farmhouse there." She confirmed.

I couldn't be happier. It felt as if I've already achieved her. We continued our small talks and in between our chat, I offered my Tudkiya Bhath to her, and she loved it. We had quite similar choices. I asked for her number hesitantly so as to stay in touch and to my surprise she gave it to me quite willingly. Studying in a boys' school has led me to a 'no girlfriend' zone, but now I could see hope. I wanted to meet her again, but that would require an excuse. So I searched about some old handloom mills in Malana online, and I came up with quite a few.

I texted Deepika, "Hey! Aman here, want to visit some old handlooms tomorrow? I'll vlog too so just thought of asking you to join us." I texted and pressed 'Send' after giving it a second thought. I was praying not to get rejected. After an hour or so, there was a pop u sound. I quickly unlock my phone to check her reply, only to find an Airtel message. The smile faded in an instant. Just when I would keep the phone, another message came in.

"Hi Aman! Ya, I would love to join you. I was anyway planning to visit them tomorrow. So eight in the morning at Solan road? I'll be near the Martyr tomb." It read.

I was on top of the world. Malana suddenly became even more beautiful to me, and my friends' bickering wasn't that annoying anymore. So, the next day we reached Solan road at sharp 8:00 am.

There she was, in a white kurti with a colourful dupatta across her neck with small tassels hanging to the ends. Her hair had the perfect brown shade and her eyes were glistening under the sun. The gentle breeze made her bouncy and wavy hair embrace those collar bones. I wondered what could be more beautiful. She smiled while raising her beautiful eyes from the ground to my eyes. I could hear my heartbeat fastening.

The entire day we vlogged and enjoyed each other's company. My friends were just interested in knowing if we kissed, but obviously that would not happen anytime soon. Deepika is a skilful driver as I gathered. She drove to Himachal Pradesh from Mumbai. And her trip was about to end at Malana. But I somehow pursued her to join us to Shoja and Barot. She is a travel freak as well, lucky for me because she agreed.

On 24 January 2017, we reached Shoja. I had a few things planned for me and Deepika. I wanted to take her for skiing and so I did. It was her first time riding skis, so I had to teach her before I could leave her on her own. I gripped her hands and swayed down the hills. Fear was written all over her face, with clenched jaws and closed eyes. She held me tightly as she lost her balance and I hugged her as we both tumbled down. She was on top of me once we reached the foot of the hill. Her hair was all over her face. I gently tucked the hair behind her ears and reassured her we were fine. We went for few more attempts and by dusk, she was almost as good as me. She's a fast learner.

We went to the small tea shop just by the skiing ground and ordered two elaichi chai. She rubbed her arms as she was freezing, I took off my leather jacket and put it around her. She looked at me from the corner of her eyes and smiled, pressing her lips against each other. I then knew that I have gained her faith.

The next few days we went everywhere together. She got friendly with my group as well. We had the time of our lives and each passing day was blissful. Deepika and I became great friends. We were almost of the same age, I was thirty and she was twenty-nine. She's very mature and understanding, but what I loved the most about her was her passion for her work.

After a few days we returned to Mumbai, but we remained in contact. In no time, Deepika and I started spending more and more time together. Gradually, we turned into best friends. But I knew I wanted more. I wanted her to be mine, but I was afraid to lose our friendship. I was afraid that she might not want to talk to me ever again. So I shut in my feelings and never dared to express it. As time passed, our bond grew stronger, she laughed at my silly jokes, cried on my shoulders, hugged me when her designs got selected, grabbed my hand while watching horror movies and would also tell me where she pictured herself after ten years. I always stayed by her side whenever she needed me. She supported me as well. She would help me with my video editing and encourage me when my videos didn't do well. It's rare to take vlogging as a profession and have parents to be okay with it at the same time. And let's just say I wasn't included in that rare group. But Deepika made my journey a lot more satisfying.

But all pleasurable things might eventually come to an end.

3 December 2017, she came to meet me after her two weeks stay in Lonavala with her family, at our usual place, Demson Cafe. She loved their hot chocolate, so I brought her to Demson on Sundays. But it seemed different that day. She didn't have the usual smile on her face when she saw me. She sat in front of me and gave a vague smile. She handed me an envelope. I could see tears forming in her eyes, but she would only disagree. So I took the envelope and opened it only to see a wedding invitation card...

I was thunderstruck. Every cell in my body felt numb. I didn't know how to react. And even at that point, I feared to have my feelings exposed to her. I was angry, extremely angry, not on her but myself. I was mad at myself for being so afraid. She was the only woman I've truly loved. And, subconsciously, I've always considered her to be mine. But I couldn't hold on to my woman anymore. Her family arranged her wedding with a guy who earns way more than me and lives a lavish life. I was no match to him. How could I even fight back for her? I knew she would live a better life with him.

"You mad girl! Why is your face looking like a pumpkin? You are damn lucky. You'll marry this Richie Rich and then you can open your own fashion line!" I consoled her. But somewhere deep within, I felt betrayed. But what for? I should've known better that Deepika would never love me. She deserves much better. How can she fall in love with a vagabond? It was all in my head. I knew it right from the beginning that Deepika considered me nothing more than a friend. But I didn't know that it would hurt so much to part our ways.

"Are you happy Aman?" She asked with a shaky voice.

"Of course I am, I know you are sad because you are afraid to lose your freedom, but trust me you'll be just fine" I reassured her and as well as myself, holding back my tears.

"Hmm... I think I should leave now, it's getting late. Good night, bye Aman." She said in a low tone, looking straight into my eyes.

I wanted to hold her hands, pull her towards me and hug her from behind while I confess my love to her, 'I love you Deepika'. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. My fear and sorrow had consumed me by then.

21 January 2018, Deepika's wedding day. I drove to Lonavala and Deepika was replaced by my wine bottle in the front seat. I reached her house and saw Deepika standing beside Raghav (her groom). She looked marvelous in the red lehenga with the veil partly covering her face, and the white flowers on her hair around the bun. She looked everything I imagined her to look on our wedding day, but it wasn't 'ours' and that hurt me the most. But something was missing, her smile, those dimples. The marriage rituals had started, and it was too much for me to accept so I excused myself and after a few moments I found myself standing in Deepika's room in the second floor. I knew her house well as I had been there quite a few times. I was gazing at her childhood paintings hung on the yellow wall when I spotted her journal on the table. I thought I knew all her secrets so nothing would really astonish me here but it was still better to read her journal than to see her getting married to some lucky douche. I flipped through the pages and as I read them, my world went upside down.

Deepika was in love with me the entire time. There wasn't a day after our return from Himachal when she hadn't express her love to me in the journal. The last date in her journal was 21 January 2018, her wedding day.

It read-

21 January 2018

Dear diary,

It's my wedding day today. Everybody is smiling and all are happy, including him. But how could I be happy? The person I loved is not the person I'm getting married to, instead he is happy that I'm going to be someone else's. Maybe I did the right thing by concealing my love because then I would've lost his friendship too. He clearly doesn't love me otherwise he would've fought for me. Even till last night I had hoped that maybe he would call and tell me to call off the marriage and confess his love for me. But today, my hopes die. Today, the most beautiful chapter of my life ends. I can never stop loving him, but I can never be his anymore. He thinks I'm afraid to lose my freedom, but it's not freedom that I was afraid to lose, it was him. My story did not get a happy ending, but I pray his story gets one. I already said goodbye to him and now it's time to say goodbye to you too. My new journey begins today, goodbye diary.

 

I ran down to the lawn where the marriage was taking place. But as I was going down, my heart felt heavier with every move. Regrets were the only thing that absorbed me. I stood in front of her. The marriage rituals were over and she was someone else's now. She excused herself from the surrounding crowd led herself towards me. I couldn't hold back my tears, they found their way anyway without my consent this time. She asked me nervously,

"What happened Aman? Is everything alright? Did something happen?" She worried amidst her heartbreak.

I embraced her in our last hug and whispered in her ears

"I didn't get a happy ending either. I didn't Deepika." I gulped,

"I have always loved you and I always will continue to do so but that should not restrict your happiness. You will have to forget me, Deepika. Move on with your new journey and achieve everything you have ever desired." I whispered with a trembling voice. Every word I spoke hurt my throat, but I knew if I stay a second longer she would burst into tears. She would lose her strength.

So, without looking at her eyes, I turned around and walked away, wiping my tears.

It's been ten years since that day. Do I still love her? I would not be sitting here, writing this down if I didn't. Has she moved on? I saw her today earlier this morning, sitting in Demson with her daughter and she had her favorite hot chocolate in front of her. Is she happy? I saw the dimples on her face. Am I happy? By now you guys know that I have a thing for dimples, so yes, I am.